After 4 years and putting my reproductive system through WWIII my uterus finally surrendered and conceived. OMG YAY!!!! Right? Wrong... They forget to mention after years of infertility and seeing negative home pregnancy test after negative home pregnancy test how I am supposed to feel when it finally happens. Am I happy? Yes! Am I scared? Yes! Am I petrified? Hell Yes!
I believe that most hardcore infertiles are informed infertiles. We knew what we were getting into when we started this: nightly shots, fun suppositories, blood work and that wonderful wand-like probe to explore our nether regions... We all dreamed of the day when we would finally get the good news YOU'RE PREGNANT. Notice I said dreamed because for some of us we never believed it would happen. Not that we didn't hope like hell it would, but after all we've been through how could it possibly work? So when it finally does we just wait for the other shoe to drop. So it feels like every day is a hurdle. Nothing is normal about an infertile's pregnancy from day one. We don't even get to think of cutesy ways to tell our significant other because THEY KNOW when your beta is and THEY KNOW if you are going to use a home pregnancy test. Some *might* be able to surprise their hubbies if they go to work before you wake up to take a home pregnancy test, but not me... I had the perfect opportunity, but I was too impatient to wait to see if the test was actually positive. It darn well looked negative to me. DH found it hours later barely positive, but it was there. So in this case he knew before me. Isn't that just ironic? Here I am carrying this child and I have no idea I'm even pregnant. But I digress...
So the first hurdle is your first beta which tell you pretty much nothing other than the fact that you are pregnant. The second beta is what you really are looking for. So here you are freaking out wondering if the number doubled in the allotted amount of time. The number comes back and phew! Another hurdle down! Then comes the first ultrasound. My doctor is a bit anal about it and wants one at 5 weeks instead of the normal 6 weeks. I'm totally okay with that. I needed a little reaffirmation that I was pregnant. Got to see the sac... another hurdle down. The next hurdle I am still working on... the heartbeat! It's not game on until you get to see that tiny flicker of light. Once you see the heartbeat over 100 your chances for miscarriage go down to about 10%... wahooo! Another hurdle! Then it's making it to your 13th week of pregnancy or your second trimester. Once you make it out of the first trimester your chances for miscarriage drop even more. Keep us readers we are doing marathon hurdles not a sprint! There's another whole trimester to make it to without any gross chromosomal abnormalities and for us IVFers the increased risk for preterm labor.... So you can see why the next 8 months for me is terrifying.
I think we informed infertiles would give anything to have a completely stress free pregnancy. Ignorance of the dangers is bliss. Infertility is almost like surviving a war. It never leaves you even in times of peace and prosperity. It's always there lurking in the back of your mind. You can quite relate to those who haven't been through it. You can't join in on the pregnancy gripe sessions because this is something you wanted worse than anything and it almost seems sacrilegious to complain about horrible morning sickness. Then after the baby is born it's hard to join in the conversation of "Oh when will you start trying for another one?" 18 months, 2 years, oh... yeah When the magical fairies come and leave us $10,000? Some women will conceive naturally after an IVF childbirth. Generally it's those who have unexplained infertility, but they are few and far between. So either you go through another IVF or your first child becomes an only child (unless you adopt, but if you have that kind of money most people will opt to try IVF again because "it worked once").
So I'm done ranting... think it the hormones. 3 days until we jump another hurdle and 241 days until the marathon is over (hopefully).
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Men are from Mars and Women are from....
some other solar system. The way we deal with emotions is so incredibly different I sometimes wonder how we can even be the same species. Nothing has made me realize this more so than our struggle with infertility. Females have a biological urge to reproduce and rear children. Men have the biological urge... well to spread their seed. They were not biologically programmed for child rearing, and although some do an exceptional job, it is not their biological clocks ticking away.
Last night, however, changed my opinion. I was feeling particularly emotional. Could be from a host of different things, but it is probably a combination of the hormones I am on and the unusually large number of pregnant women I know right now. I read a status message of a friend of mine's on facebook and was soo happy for her, but so sad for myself. I told my husband how I was feeling and he really didn't have anything to say. I mean what can you say? But I needed him to say something... anything.
The same old "you don't know how this feels" fight started, but for once I saw a glimpse of someone that perhaps isn't so different from me. He finally opened up to me. He said he tries to be the strong one, the positive one, but it's not how he feels. He said he feels hopeless and helpless. He says it kills him to see me so depressed that I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. He hates that no one understands what we are going through. He hates it even more when they pretend to. He hates their perfect happy ignorant lives. He hates that he can't remember what our lives were like before infertility. He hates that he is jealous of his sister for having our niece. He hates that we keep throwing money at "it" because the doctor says here try this one more thing, but we can't stop because stopping is giving up hope. He hates how it constantly feels like someone is dying. Like this infertility is cancer, but instead of killing us physically it is killing us emotionally and eating away at us until we are nothing but empty shells of people. He hates getting up in the morning and pretending everything is okay to everyone around him when he'd rather just not do anything.
I have wanted to hear that he felt something and now that I know how he feels I don't know what to say. I've been so caught up in my own grief and pain that I don't know how to comfort someone else. I feel like a cracked piece of glass just waiting to break into a million pieces under the slightest pressure. I just keep telling myself you don't have time to break down because when and if you do you'll be in the hospital for quite some time and there is no way you can afford to take that much time away from your life. You have appointments with doctors, and you do have to work.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a normal life. To come home to a house that isn't empty, to trip over toys in the floor, to hear a baby coo in their sleep in the middle of the night, to not feel so empty.
Hope is waning. We have our frozen embryo transfer on Monday, and one more IVF left. After that we can't afford to do anything else. We're flat broke and for all intents and purposes I am jobless. I am only per diem and physically/emotionally I can not work that job more than 3 days a week. I went from having a stellar work record to being afraid I'll never get another job because of the time I missed. I feel like I can not breathe, but at least I'm not alone.
Last night, however, changed my opinion. I was feeling particularly emotional. Could be from a host of different things, but it is probably a combination of the hormones I am on and the unusually large number of pregnant women I know right now. I read a status message of a friend of mine's on facebook and was soo happy for her, but so sad for myself. I told my husband how I was feeling and he really didn't have anything to say. I mean what can you say? But I needed him to say something... anything.
The same old "you don't know how this feels" fight started, but for once I saw a glimpse of someone that perhaps isn't so different from me. He finally opened up to me. He said he tries to be the strong one, the positive one, but it's not how he feels. He said he feels hopeless and helpless. He says it kills him to see me so depressed that I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. He hates that no one understands what we are going through. He hates it even more when they pretend to. He hates their perfect happy ignorant lives. He hates that he can't remember what our lives were like before infertility. He hates that he is jealous of his sister for having our niece. He hates that we keep throwing money at "it" because the doctor says here try this one more thing, but we can't stop because stopping is giving up hope. He hates how it constantly feels like someone is dying. Like this infertility is cancer, but instead of killing us physically it is killing us emotionally and eating away at us until we are nothing but empty shells of people. He hates getting up in the morning and pretending everything is okay to everyone around him when he'd rather just not do anything.
I have wanted to hear that he felt something and now that I know how he feels I don't know what to say. I've been so caught up in my own grief and pain that I don't know how to comfort someone else. I feel like a cracked piece of glass just waiting to break into a million pieces under the slightest pressure. I just keep telling myself you don't have time to break down because when and if you do you'll be in the hospital for quite some time and there is no way you can afford to take that much time away from your life. You have appointments with doctors, and you do have to work.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a normal life. To come home to a house that isn't empty, to trip over toys in the floor, to hear a baby coo in their sleep in the middle of the night, to not feel so empty.
Hope is waning. We have our frozen embryo transfer on Monday, and one more IVF left. After that we can't afford to do anything else. We're flat broke and for all intents and purposes I am jobless. I am only per diem and physically/emotionally I can not work that job more than 3 days a week. I went from having a stellar work record to being afraid I'll never get another job because of the time I missed. I feel like I can not breathe, but at least I'm not alone.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Hello and Welcome to My Blog!
My name is Olivia. I am 28 years old and have been married to the love of my life, Gary, for 3 and a half years. We've been together for 10 years this coming July and have been trying on and off for a baby for almost 4 years. We got pregnant in May of 2004, but lost our little one that June. We thought that since I had already gotten pregnant that it would be easy for us. Unfortunately nothing is easy for us. We've been through 5 cycles of clomid, 1 cycle of femara, 4 IUIs (intrauterine insemination aka artificial insemination), and 1 failed IVF. We are currently struggling to afford our next IVF because our insurance company doesn't cover any of it.
I intend this blog to be a place where I can be completely honest about what I am going through and hopefully our journey will be able to help someone else in the same situation. Infertility isn't easy, it isn't fun, but it is survivable.
I've been blogging on my livejournal account on and off for quite sometime, but I felt it was too isolated. I may once in a while repost something from there as I look back over our journey. Feel free to comment or ask questions. I'm a very open person and not at all shy about what I've gone through to try to become a mother.
I intend this blog to be a place where I can be completely honest about what I am going through and hopefully our journey will be able to help someone else in the same situation. Infertility isn't easy, it isn't fun, but it is survivable.
I've been blogging on my livejournal account on and off for quite sometime, but I felt it was too isolated. I may once in a while repost something from there as I look back over our journey. Feel free to comment or ask questions. I'm a very open person and not at all shy about what I've gone through to try to become a mother.
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