You never stop being infertile

So the past year has been a whirlwind. I'll give you a brief update. Finally got pregnant, found out we were having a boy, found out I was having a kidney stone, multiple hospitalizations for kidney stone and preterm labor (scary stuff), gave birth at 39w 1d, almost hemorrhaged to death, OB saved me, I got a uterine infection, brought home baby boy, and lived happily ever after. Well except the last part isn't completely correct. See you think that the cure for infertility is having a baby.... well it's not. I love my son beyond belief. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I enjoy every moment I get to spend with him. See the problem is every beautiful smile, tiny giggle, poopy diaper makes me happy, yet sad.

What the fertiles of the world don't understand is that if they decide down the road that they miss those 2am feedings, or those ridiculously cute little toes they only have to have sex a few times and BAM they can enjoy it all over again. They can do this again and again until they decided they are tired of being spit up on and tired of not sleeping for more than 2 consecutive hours.

What having a baby didn't do was fix my infertility. I still don't have reproductive freedom. I can't say to my wonderful husband hey do you feel like not sleeping for another three months in say about 9 months? You do? Okay let's go make a baby!! For we infertiles it doesn't happen that way. Perhaps there is the honeymoon phase where you think well maybe having a baby fixed whatever was wrong with me. Maybe we'll have a pleasant little "oops" like the majority of the population. I mean after all everyone knows someone who knows someone who adopted/had a baby through assisted reproduction that got pregnant naturally right? We it's like six degrees of separation. We all must know the same people because this only happens in 5%-7% of the population. The rest of us are doomed to re-enter purgatory for our next babies as well.

I'll admit it is hard to be sad about my infertility with my son around, but when I sit here watching him sleeping I remember what it was like when he was born, 2 months old, 3 months old, etc... and think will I ever experience this again? Let alone will my son have to grow up all alone? Before anyone jumps down my throat about the whole "only child" experience I will say I was an only child and I hated ever moment of it. I longed for a little brother to constantly bother me or an older sister who tattled on me. Even now as an adult I wish I had a sibling to share things with and to sit back and talk about how crazy our parents are or to even have someone share our parents end of life decisions with. Sure as an only child you get more "stuff", but how can you measure "stuff" on an emotional scale. I had tons of "stuff" growing up, but you can't play board games by yourself, hide and seek is no fun with just one, and there is nothing worse than sitting in a room full of toys alone wishing there was someone there to play with. Even now as an adult I watch my husband' sisters together and I am jealous. I want that. I want that for my son.

I read an article the other day that said that women suffering from infertility suffer from the same rate of depression as women who had cancer or fatal heart disease. That statistic isn't entirely uplifting. So today I am feeling particularly sad. It's been 7 years since my Granddaddy died and a year since I found out I was pregnant. 9 months may sure seem like a long time, but believe me it went by too fast. Despite everything I went through I miss being pregnant. I miss it terribly and lament what I must do to be pregnant again. In the end I know I will do it again. I'll get my box of meds in the mail, I'll go to the fertility specialists office, I'll repeatedly poke myself with needles, feel awful, and I'll pray we get lucky again. I'll do it again only because when I look at my beautiful sleeping child I can't imagine my life without another one.